I suppose you're right, but some come in clever disguises before revealing their true nature. I've known such a beast, but, yes, I'm fine. It's just that some memories have a nasty habit of resurfacing, even when you'd like nothing more than to keep them at bay.
I've known people like that. I just have enough trust issues across the board that it's never had many chances to hurt me.
Memories are just signs you survived. You can't get rid of them, but you can't let them consume you. Whatever it is, it's over, right? You made it through.
"You and me both," Lisa returned, with a small smile, "and it served me well for a couple of years, but then I made the mistake of believing that, perhaps, it was finally time to let down, if only for a short while, a few of those walls I'd built around myself."
"Only," she sighed then and shook her head, "I placed that little bit of trust in the worst possible person imaginable."
There was a pause as she looked away and when her attention returned back to him, the smile reappeared. "Survived," Lisa repeated back absently. "Yeah. Yeah, I made it through and that night passed, but I don't know that it's really over."
I managed to get burned off of someone I knew was a bad idea from the start. For a while I thought it was my fault, but the reality is that there are people out there who are nothing but vultures, and no one can be on guard all the time.
It's not over for me, either. I'm not sure it will ever be. But I'm a lot better at helping other people than I am helping myself get things together. This person still around?
Yours sounds like a relationship, was it one? Mine wasn't. I don't even know what to call it, really, because it's... it's just too complicated to make any sense out of. The short version is, I was made to believe one thing, when the opposite was true, and I guess in some way, I am partly to blame, because against my better judgment, I allowed myself to be in a position that could be taken advantage of, and that's exactly what happened.
Yes, he's still around. Not in the same capacity. I'm not trapped with him, he isn't watching my every move, but he is out there, somewhere.
Upon hearing that all too familiar voice that continues to haunt her dreams, she briefly closes her eyes and takes in a deep, but quiet breath, then slowly exhales, before she turns to face him. Lisa keeps her expression purposely blank to mask the anxiety building within, her own voice soft and empty, as she replies back to Jackson with, "And look, here he is now."
He pouts a little at her less than emotional reaction, though it's mostly a farce. But if he were being completely honest with himself, a little part of him is sad that she didn't get all worked up.
"I'm far from a monster, Leese. After all, I never actually stabbed YOU,"
He knows monsters are made of more than just the physical. And he isn't so obtuse as to realize that he hadn't left his own mental and emotional scars on her, just as she had left very physical ones on him. In that way, he feels as though she's a monster in her own right. She changed his life forever, in ways she will probably never comprehend. So much more alike than she'd ever care to think about...
For a long while, she just stared at him without saying a word. Standing before Jackson Rippner again, to look into those cold, piercing eyes, threw Lisa back in time, her mind silently reliving that night at the airport, when he'd presented himself as someone so opposite from who he really was. The term, a wolf in sheep's clothing, befitted this man, perhaps more perfectly than anyone else. She could have laughed at the irony, but she didn't. Next, came the flashbacks on the plane, where Jackson had continued on with his little charade, but only for a short time, before he dropped the mask of chivalry, in exchange for his true nature. This reflection could have made it so easy to lose the resolve she held on to, but the young woman was relying on her strength to carry her through.
"You put yourself in that position, Jackson," she finally said, forcing herself to keep direct eye contact with him. "Remember? I was defending myself. I know that's a foreign concept to someone like you, that anyone would actually dare to defend themselves. But it wasn't just that. I was fighting for the survival of the Keefe family," her expression darkened, the eyes narrowing just slightly, "and for the survival of my Dad."
"I never would have hurt you, Lisa," His voice was steady and sure. Because, in that fact, HE was steady and sure. Had she simply made the call, he never would have hurt her, "Or your dad. IF you had made the call. YOU made that choice. YOU chose to put you father in danger and YOU chose to shove a pen in my throat, rather than simply make a phone call. YOU made it personal, Lisa,"
He knew that that last statement was only partially true, but he wasn't about to express that to her. In fact, HE'D made it personal long before they met. Having had time to reflect, he realize that his mistake had been in watching her all those weeks. He could have had a profiler do the work, but he'd chosen to take it on instead. That had, essentially, been the beginning of the end. Not that he was going to admit that to her. Because he also knew that if she would have just done as she was asked, he never would have taken her betrayal so personally.
Lisa immediately scoffed and shook her head, though whether that was out of some automatic reflex of self protection to keep from making the mistake of believing anything that Jackson had to say, or simply a contrived effort to make it appear that way, she didn't know herself, but the statement made an impact on her, leaving its mark long after he continued on. "It was a choice I never would have had to make if you hadn't invaded my life!" was what she threw back at him, her eyes growing moist.
What he said next, pushed her to the next level. "I made it personal? I did? No. No, you did that. I wasn't going to let those people die, Jackson! I couldn't. It was bad enough when I thought it would just be Keefe, but your people were going to kill the entire family!"
She paused, but only briefly, her next words more softly spoken when she added, "You were going to allow that." Lisa's brows furrowed. What was this that she was beginning to feel? It resembled a form of despair, but that couldn't be, not when it pertained to him, and so she swallowed to keep whatever emotion that started to rise, back, unwilling to decipher just what it meant.
Comments
You okay, lady?
Memories are just signs you survived. You can't get rid of them, but you can't let them consume you. Whatever it is, it's over, right? You made it through.
"Only," she sighed then and shook her head, "I placed that little bit of trust in the worst possible person imaginable."
There was a pause as she looked away and when her attention returned back to him, the smile reappeared. "Survived," Lisa repeated back absently. "Yeah. Yeah, I made it through and that night passed, but I don't know that it's really over."
It's not over for me, either. I'm not sure it will ever be. But I'm a lot better at helping other people than I am helping myself get things together. This person still around?
Yes, he's still around. Not in the same capacity. I'm not trapped with him, he isn't watching my every move, but he is out there, somewhere.
Boo.
Edited at 2013-03-11 12:55 am (UTC)
"I'm far from a monster, Leese. After all, I never actually stabbed YOU,"
He knows monsters are made of more than just the physical. And he isn't so obtuse as to realize that he hadn't left his own mental and emotional scars on her, just as she had left very physical ones on him. In that way, he feels as though she's a monster in her own right. She changed his life forever, in ways she will probably never comprehend. So much more alike than she'd ever care to think about...
"You put yourself in that position, Jackson," she finally said, forcing herself to keep direct eye contact with him. "Remember? I was defending myself. I know that's a foreign concept to someone like you, that anyone would actually dare to defend themselves. But it wasn't just that. I was fighting for the survival of the Keefe family," her expression darkened, the eyes narrowing just slightly, "and for the survival of my Dad."
He knew that that last statement was only partially true, but he wasn't about to express that to her. In fact, HE'D made it personal long before they met. Having had time to reflect, he realize that his mistake had been in watching her all those weeks. He could have had a profiler do the work, but he'd chosen to take it on instead. That had, essentially, been the beginning of the end. Not that he was going to admit that to her. Because he also knew that if she would have just done as she was asked, he never would have taken her betrayal so personally.
What he said next, pushed her to the next level. "I made it personal? I did? No. No, you did that. I wasn't going to let those people die, Jackson! I couldn't. It was bad enough when I thought it would just be Keefe, but your people were going to kill the entire family!"
She paused, but only briefly, her next words more softly spoken when she added, "You were going to allow that." Lisa's brows furrowed. What was this that she was beginning to feel? It resembled a form of despair, but that couldn't be, not when it pertained to him, and so she swallowed to keep whatever emotion that started to rise, back, unwilling to decipher just what it meant.